


Maybe We Can Heal

by TheMadHatterOfficial



Series: As the Tides Recede [4]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula and Zuko are close now, Brother-Sister Relationships, Ember Island Players - Freeform, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Past Child Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Post War, Referenced Ember Island Players, Suicide Attempt, Zuko and June have a "past" because I'm the writer and I can, Zuko's such a sweet brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 11:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15170207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMadHatterOfficial/pseuds/TheMadHatterOfficial
Summary: Azula and Zuko make their way through the palace as she makes her way down the road to recovery





	Maybe We Can Heal

**Author's Note:**

> Warning to references about past child abuse, attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts. It's nothing graphic, but still. More detail at the end of notes

It was strange, for Azula to be back home.

She wasn't here to stay - she wasn't healthy enough for that just yet - but it would help acquaint her with the now-strange place. Nearly eleven years, now. She'd almost spent as many years away from home as she had spent there.

Her brother helped. Zuko had assured her that their mother and new little sister wouldn't be there, for fear of slipping down a dark rabbit weasel hole. He offered for her to meet his daughter, but had eventually admitted that Mai didn't want to see her and was supremely uncomfortable to have her meet Izumi. Azula ended up declining, both for her sake and that of her ex-friend.

 _Look at me,_ Azula thought sardonically. _Thinking about what someone else wants. How mature._

Azula was sure that Zuko had tried to empty as many people from the palace as possible. She was under no illusions that it was as much for their sake as it was for hers, if not more. Even she wasn't sure what would happen if something rubbed her the wrong way, and that thought, no matter how normal it had become, was just as terrifying as the first time it had come to her in the nuthouse.

Without thinking, Azula's hand snapped up to grip her brother's forearm. She'd gained weight, but lost the muscle tone she'd had as a young teenager. It seemed like Zuko had gained it and it strained against his casual robes. She compared them to her own clothing that Zuko had been kind enough to bring to her. The normal red tones that she'd always worn, but much simpler than anything from before.

Zuko didn't falter in his talking, just pulled his arm up higher for Azula to grip properly in both hands. She stood on his right, so she could see the short flicker of his eyes to make sure she was fine. She had noticed that he usually kept people on his right even during the war right after the fall of Ba Sing Se.

It had always made her curious, whether he was hard of hearing or partially blind on that side. They'd never talked about his scar other than the snide remarks she would make to get under his skin. Never cared enough before.

"What's wrong on your left side?"

Zuko stopped his rant about how he and the Avatar had gotten into an argument about the remaining dragon eggs and what to do with them. Admittedly, it was quite hilarious and interesting to hear about how dragons would be reintegrated into the world and trying to picture the innocent kid who ran around on a flying cow as a calm world leader with a wife and a kid running an entire city. But this seemed more important to her.

"It's rhino-jerky, I'd assumed you'd've noticed."

That surprised a faint laugh out of Azula. "So dark, Zu Zu."

"Mm." He turned and gave a slight quirk of his mouth. "Thought you'd appreciate it."

Azula nudged him with her hip gently. It hit his thigh. _Damn, I'm short._

"I mean you keep people on your good side. Blind, deaf..."

Zuko nodded and his face stayed good-natured. "I can see shadows," he said. "I can make out shapes if the light outlines it. But that's about it. My hearing's a bit dim too - on both sides, but that's from an explosion after my banishment."

"Explosion."

"Pirates. They blew up my ship when I skimmed them while I was trying to capture the Avatar. Long story."

"I bet you have a lot of stories."

Zuko nodded and gave another indulgent smile. "I made out with a bounty hunter after her Shirshu paralyzed her, Uncle and I at an abbey."

Azula scoffed and shook her head. "You did not."

"Did so. Uncle was actually vying for her attention, and he still doesn't know that we did."

A small laugh escaped her as the two turned a corner towards the gardens. "Does Mai?"

There was a pause as Zuko rolled it over. "I... actually I don't think she does." He shrugged as they continued. "She knows I hired the bounty hunter, but I don't think I got that far in the story."

"I can't picture anyone being attracted to you with that Agni- _awful_ ponytail."

Zuko made an unnatural squawking noise that reminded Azula of how baby messenger hawks screaming for their mothers. "It wasn't that bad."

"You're lying to yourself and you know it."

Zuko sighed heavily. " _Yeeahh_."

Azula laughed as they made their way onto the covered walkway across from the turtleduck pond. It was fall, thankfully so they weren't burning up even though it was still comfortably hot. It was quiet as the siblings lent against the intricate metal railing and watched the trees shiver in the wind.

"We had happy memories, didn't we Zu Zu? I didn't imagine that."

Zuko glanced over before looking down at his fingers. They were similar to many firebenders', long and slim but marred with lighter patches where they'd been burned. But he also had the mark of hard work there to show for it, not dissimilar to a sailor or poor peasant farmer.

"We did," he answered, scraping the faded red paint away from the metal. "Not so much later on, but as kids we did."

"Before mom and dad ruined us."

They were quiet for a bit before Zuko sighed and looked up. Azula had her hair tied back in a braid that started on the top of her head and trailed down to scrape the nape of her neck. She'd cut her hair dramatically recently, and it looked good on her slightly rounded face. She looked healthier, mentally and physically. It gave so much hope to Zuko that she wasn't lost, and she could heal. Fuck, she already was making huge leaps. (Then again, his sister never did anything by halves.)

"I'm not going to idolize mom, because she was never perfect, and still isn't. I know that, and I won't preach to you about how perfect she was and about how much she loved you and how you should be grateful. I know people have been doing that, and it pisses me off as much as it does to you, I'd think."

Azula hummed and turned her head to look back towards Zuko.

"But she wasn't the evil thing you've built up in your mind. You've taken bad memories and created your own interpretation of who she was while disregarding everything else."

Azula stayed silent, picking up the paint peeling where Zuko'd left off.

"Mom wasn't an angel," he started quietly. "She picked favorites from the start, isolated herself from most of the family whenever she could. She had a firebender temper to boot, and we were witness to it often enough. You more so."

Zuko reached out and took his sister's hand in his and oh, she didn't notice clenching her hand that tight. She could feel crescent imprints in her palm. "Do you want me to stop?"

Azula contemplated before shaking her head. "No. I wanna talk through it."

"Wow. Therapy's doing you good, little sister."

"You pay them enough for it."

A small chuckle escaped Zuko while he shook his head and relaxed. "Damn right I am."

Azula took a deep breath before nodding to her brother. "Go."

"She was quick to anger, if you pushed the right buttons. But, even if you were the one to trigger those frustrations, _it was not your fault_. It wasn't my fault when Ozai took out whatever it was on me, it wasn't my fault when Azulon ordered my death, it wasn't _your_ fault when Uncle Iroh left you to the wolf-bats. It's taken me a long time to accept those facts, that the authority figures in our lives were not omnipotent, and to realize that _we_ were the kids and _they_ were the adults. We only knew what they taught us, and the difference between where we ended up is who taught us those lessons."

A small shaky breath entered Azula's lungs. She squeezed Zuko's hand until her knuckles paled.

"But the difference between them all was that mom and Uncle never took it out on us. Once or twice, mom said some things she didn't mean, or did something she shouldn't have. But even while taking favorites, mom loves us. Uncle loves us. He made a mistake, assuming that you were beyond help. But he still cared.

"We were Ozai's pawns in his egotistical grab for power. It sucks, and it was _wrong_ , but we're moving forward. And moving forward, we need to face some pretty fucking ugly truths we've been ignoring and shoving away into the backs of our minds."

Azula blinked slowly somewhere over Zuko's left shoulder. The bright red mar caught her attention, as it did for most people who initially met him, and some time after. It was dominating on her brother's face, frozen in a glare that never changed.

Recently, Azula had become more and more distracted by it. At first she didn't know why, but then memories would resurface when looking at him for too long. She dreamed of his screaming more and more, the smell of burning flesh stinging her nose, and the feeling of vicious satisfaction echoing in her bones.

Without thinking, she reached out to brush her fingertips along the skin. His right eye widened and eyebrow shot up.

He wasn't wrong when he said it was like rhino-jerky. It was tough, but still malleable if she pushed hard enough. It was a permanent reminder of Ozai that would always stare him in the face (and wasn't _that_ a terrifying thought, that if fate had gone just a little differently it could have been her).

"What are you doing?"

Azula frowned and pulled her hand away with a furrow between her eyes. "We didn't deserve it."

"No, we didn't."

The two siblings spent maybe another few hours in the gardens, talking about significantly lighter topics. They recalled running around this very fountain too many times to count, reenacting plays they'd seen on Ember Island and taking turns making more and more exaggerated sound effects and tearful death scenes. Zuko told Azula about the one he'd seen just before the end of the war with the GAang, and she'd had a good laugh that was so rare to her now. ("Did they oversexualize all of the women?" "Katara had an exposed thigh-high split and you were in heels with this _gaudy_ bright blue eye shadow." "No they _fucking didn't_." "I'll have Sokka draw you a picture one of these days.")

It was nice, Azula thought, to talk to her brother like he really _was_ her brother. Zuko was one of the few good connections to her past, even through the fear and the betrayal and the lies and the hurt that they had caused one another.

Over the years, Azula began to think of herself as worthless. She had no purpose to serve in a mental hospital, being told when to eat and when to sleep and when to wake up. At one point, Zuko's visits had slowed until they came to a stop. He'd missed days before, but was usually there before to let her know or would send a letter to be delivered if it was an emergency. But there was nothing that time.

It came to a head when Azula decided that now without Zuko there to care, it was time to end it.

Then when she woke up, definitely alive because _dammit that hurt_ , it wasn't Zuko that greeted her. It was Mai, sitting against the wall asleep. When Azula tried to move, rattling the cuffs locking her to the bed, Mai woke up and stared. She looked older and just as beautiful. She'd filled out a bit in her face - nothing too noticeable really - and when she stood there was a new confidence in her stance that had never been there before.

"Pleasure to see you, a decade later."

Mai rolled her eyes. "Zuko's sick," she announced sharply. "He's been out of it for almost a month. He overheard the guards talking about what you did and lost it. Don't do it again."

Azula watched Mai begin to stride from the room, she spoke back up with her voice still scratchy and throat sore. "Wait."

Miraculously, Mai actually paused before summoning the guards.

"I've talked a lot with my brother," she started, "and he's a lot further along than I am."

Mai waited for her to continue, but she didn't.

"With...?"

"Realizing that our childhood was a lot more fucked than I thought."

Mai scoffed. "Simply put."

"And I took after my father," Azula added quickly. The rest came out in a rush of unexpected emotion. "I manipulated you and Ty, _so_ much, and I didn't know how wrong it was to do that you you. We were kids, and it was how I was taught, but that isn't an excuse Mai. I don't _want_ to excuse that. But I'm _so sorry_ , Mai. To you and to Ty Lee. You don't have to forgive me, and I wouldn't expect you to. But I want a relationship with my brother, and I most _definitely_ wouldn't mind having one with you and Ty. So... sorry."

It was quiet for a few dreadful seconds - long enough for Azula to drift negatively again.

Without realizing, Azula had closed her eyes and laid her head back in a fit. Of _course_ Mai wouldn't care. She didn't expect her to. But at least she got all that out. Maybe-

Azula looked up as Mai made her way across the room quickly and leaned down to press her lips against Azula's forehead in a familial kiss. It was a shock, since not even Zuko had gotten so close to her in years. The only physical contact she'd had was the firm handling of orderlies when she didn't comply fast enough.

"Get better, Zula," Mai said murmured while brushing Azula's hair behind her ear. "We're sisters now, after all."

A small laugh escaped the fallen princess as she let her head sink into the pillows. "I always cared, you know. In a fucked up way, I always thought of you as one of my best friends."

Mai nodded and, shockingly, gave a gentle smile. One that hadn't been directed towards her since they were little girls with scraped knees and sticky fingers, teasing Zuko about his crush on the girl who's now his wife. "I know. I still care about you too."

Azula snapped back to the present when Zuko swirled his fingers through the water of the pond they'd moved to at some point, attracting the turtleducklings. "Should bring something for them next time," he murmured under his breath, a little grin tugging at his mouth.

"Do you bring your kid here a lot?"

Zuko nodded without looking up. "Izzi. Yeah. She loves it."

"How old is she now?"

"Almost a year."

"I still stand by the decision that you should've named her Azula II."

Zuko snorted unattractively and the smile on his face grew. It was a good look on him. "What kind of parent would subject their child to _that_?"

Azula smacked him on the shoulder while he cackled. "You think you're so funny, but I'll have you know you're not. You're a dork in emo disguise."

That only made him laugh harder. "I'm fucking hilarious."

"Does mommy tell you that?"

Zuko shook his head, both of them still grinning. Azula joined him in drawing circles in the water.

"I don't really want to live all that much," Azula blurted out of nowhere. Zuko stopped smiling and stilled his fingers. "But I want to _want_ to live. And you care about me. So does Mai. So I'm trying."

Zuko nodded and contemplated what to say before speaking with the same wise seriousness he'd developed since Ba Sing Se. It was so different from his brash personality and dark sarcasm she'd always known from him, and it never failed to give her a jolt or remind her of their Uncle Iroh. "I understand that. And I can't _make_ you want to live. But you can lean on me as heavily as you need. That's all I can ask of you. Live for me, until you're able to live for yourself."

Azula nodded and let Zuko pull her into his side to kiss her temple affectionately. It was indescribable, the way it felt to have her brother by her side even after all these years, and knowing that she'd be healthy enough to come home permanently. Maybe meet the drooling mess of a baby that was her niece. She hoped it was fat. Fat babies were the only cute babies.

With a sigh Zuko butted his head against his sister's and rubbed her shoulder before pulling away. There was a soft look in his eyes, a little watery and a lot happy.

"You're so fucking emotional, Zu Zu."

"Shut your damn _mouth_ Azula, Agni _please_."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> In the beginning, Zuko talks about how it's not their fault that they were abused, and when Azula talks about how she feels worthless it describes what happened after she attempted suicide. Doesn't talk about how she did it or anything graphic, it's more of a heart-to-heart between her and another character. They talk about it vaguely at the very end as well


End file.
